Why are churches so weird?

My wife went to church with my mother recently, and she told me something really troubling. Apparently, there had been a dance at a non-church party for a bunch of middle school kids, where the kids were listening to hip/hop and other music which they probably hear every day on the radio. From what I understand, there may have been dancing which some people might label as "inappropriate." I assume there was probably a bit of pre-adolescent rump-shaking and whatnot. Probably rather harmless fun.

Unfortunately for the party-goers, a certain man at my mom's church caught wind of this spectacle and lectured all of the youth in the church about the evils of dancing and listening to music that does not have a religious message. I'll call this man Church Nazi. In order to help set these wayward children on the right path, he initiated a cleansing which involved setting up an altar to the Good Lord Jesus Christ and Our Heavenly Father. On this altar he placed candles to help set the mood, showing the true creepiness of the religious fanatic. The kids were then encouraged to bring their non-religious CDs to the altar and break them in penance to the Good Lord Jesus Christ, etc. Once this was done, they were all applauded for being such good young Christians. Here's a picture I was able to snap of the youth minister at a community canned food drive. The turnout and organization was excellent:














Naturally, I was appalled by this nonsense. Granted, I am not a religious person, though I was raised up going to church and learning the books of the Bible, the parables, and the ten commandments. I was outraged by this manipulation of those kids who were likely forced into this. Next they'll be burning books, and I'm not sure if the world is ready for Jeremy the activist. Things could get pretty fucking ugly. Honestly, though, there is a lot of peer pressure on kids at this age to meet acceptable standards in this kind of environment. I remember being "saved" when I was in my early teens or so, because the youth director kept hounding me about it. I recall that my feelings then were much like they are now--disbelief, confusion, skepticism--but I professed my "faith" and was baptized in front of the whole congregation because I was pressured into it by a pushy youth minister. It seemed like he had a fucking quota to meet. Needless to say, I felt like a fraud.

But this brings me to another funny story (incidentally, although the name has changed over the years, this has all happened at the same church).

My brother is two years younger than I am. We could damn near pass for twins--we look alike, share the same odd sense of humor, and we get along really well. Anyway, about 8-10 years ago, my brother had gone to my mother's church to borrow her vacuum cleaner. She lived south of town and he lived nearby, so it seemed like a good meeting place. So he met her outside the building after church and began speaking with her. She would periodically introduce him to some random church member, whom he acknowledged then quickly forgot. Suddenly, he looked around and realized that he had become surrounded by these church patrons--they had created a circle around him.

Let me add that, during this time, my brother was in a semi-depressed type of mood. Whereas my depression was greatly defined by an increased frequency in drinking binges, his manifested itself in other forms, particularly through a radical change in dress and appearance. His hair which is actually brown like mine, was dyed black. His clothing was black. His eyeliner--yes, that was black as well. He had piercings in his ears, eyebrows, tongue (if he had them anywhere else, I don't want to know). The weird thing was that, although he looked differently than he had before, everyone recognized that he still acted the same--sane, a bit cynical, whatever.

So if we can all picture a kid of about 20 or so, wearing black knee-high boots and a Marilyn Manson shirt sitting in a church parking lot who has suddenly found himself surrounded by a bunch of religious zealots, then perhaps you are beginning to see the uncomfortable nature of how things were progressing.

Suddenly, the group around him starts chanting as they place their hands on him. He remembered looking toward my mother who had scooted to the outside of the circle, and says she was crying. The group droned and prayed (he says they were saying things like "three times three" but that makes it sound like some weird math cult) while he was completely fucking bewildered by the whole spectacle. He remembers how furious he was for these knuckleheads to assume that he had a devil they needed to cast out (number 1), and (number 2) that they would actually have the ability to perform such a stunt if one were actually required. But to be suddenly lurched on by a bunch of these religious fascists would have been beyond my pain threshold. He says he doesn't remember how this enclave actually broke up (perhaps there was a sign from Our Good Lord Jesus Christ), but he did say no one asked him to repent. I told him he should have taken the opportunity to scream like a homicidal maniac, jump up and down, defecate on the ground, and piss on everyone in the circle. They probably would have congratulated themselves on doing such a wonderful job.

Fucking idiots.

These people are so scared of making a mistake and going to hell that they live their entire lives in fear. It's like that infamous bumper sticker which reads "If you don't believe in God or Hell then you'd better be right!!"
To which I say "FUCK YOU!!" Yeah, that's a good way to convert people--don't tell them about the good things that Christians do. Instead, use scare tactics. That'll work. Scare me into loving the Lord. Hallelujah!

Fucking idiots.