Someone just shit in your lap -- now what?

That pretty much sums up the way I'm feeling right now, particularly in regards to work. Despite the advice of my mentor, I decided to accept a position for the upcoming year that I really didn't want. Why would I do such a thing? Perhaps it was because I felt like I had no choice--and maybe I really didn't. My mentor kept telling me to wait it out, as things are always in turmoil over the summer since people have a tendency to begin dropping like flies from the program during this time of year. And boy was he right.

First of all, I will say that I do not harbor any ill-feelings toward those who have moved on--they are doing what they feel is best for them and/or their families. Instead, it seems as if I have dealt myself one helluva kick in the crotch, though I'm just now beginning to feel that queasiness in my stomach that is generally a sign of the pain that will eventually follow. I have a reasonable fear that I will be left alone to supervise a bunch of undergrads since there will probably not be enough grad students to fill all of the vacancies. And to say the least, that prospect is leaving me a little bitter about getting sucked into this position even though I had no interest in it to begin with. I didn't feel it would help me in the future, or at least as much as actual classroom experience would.

But unwittingly, I thought that this would be beneficial to the department (which it is), and as I've said before, I felt obligated to do it. Unfortunately, I felt somehow responsible for that area. But now that I've agreed to sleep in this bed, I've only just begun to notice the random bedbugs, cumstains, etc. that I've been stuck with. And I'm not terribly fucking happy about it.

Why is it that whenever I make a decision (against my better judgment) in order to "be responsible," I always wind up unhappy and feeling as though I got the short end of the stick. That's probably why I try to be as selfish as possible most of the time--it's basically the only way I can ensure my happiness.

Damn, I'm fucking bitter . . .