100th post

I find it rather odd that I am doing this, simply because I generally revel in my secretiveness. But like any good secret, it is not a great deal of fun to keep it to oneself. Perhaps I was unwittingly coerced by friends who label me as "not liking people" though they admit I am fun and personable. Confusing, eh?

This was a brief excerpt to an extremely brief initial post. I would probably say that this is a milestone of sorts. 100 times now I've sat down and rambled some pretty useless nonsense. From the beginning, I anticipated this being a short-time hobby, something simply to pass the time, something to prevent me from focusing on the ridiculous amount of schoolwork peeking out of my backpack. I think I hesitantly told Andi about it first, probably because she was the one that sucked me into doing this (or according to the first post, because it was she and E who condemned my odd personality on a trip back from some type of school function, prompting this whole blog thing).

I don't know if people know me any better now; if they do, I wouldn't necessarily say that this blog is the reason. I've been around the majority of my readers in person for another five months, so that probably does a better job of showing people who I am than anything. I will admit there is always posturing to a certain degree, both here and in person. I think that if people could truly look into my soul, they would probably have a pretty good idea what hell looks like. But then again, perhaps I'm being overly dramatic. I'm really not much different than anyone else. Sure, I have my dirty secrets and my bad habits. I know that I probably curse way too much to ever be accepted into high society or a church congregation. Not to mention my unrestrained questioning of those beliefs which were hammered into the young Jeremy, those which have somehow shaken loose and been discarded as I've grown older and more cynical. Regardless of all these things, I still firmly believe I am a pretty good--no, probably one of the best people anyone could ever meet. This idea is either true and I am that great of a guy or it could be complete bullshit and it's my own arrogant self-indulgence which blinds my self-perception.

As I've told people before, one of my favorite things to talk about is me. Well, that's not really true. What I really like is to hear other people talk about me, as long as it's not blatantly negative. I like people trying to figure me out or discussing my quirks because it helps perpetuate my belief that I am difficult to understand. And I like to hear people's speculation of me--how I think, what they think I'm thinking, etc. It's a bit scary sometime when they hit close to the truth, but often enough, I find that they are well off the mark. Maybe what it boils down to is this: As much as we say we want people to understand us, it is actually only an idealistic and romantic notion. We do not want to be understood. We do not want to be figured out. We want people to guess, and guess wrong. We want to keep a barrier up between ourselves and everyone else because it is only through that barrier that we can maintain our sense of personal safety. No one wants to be exposed. Because while it could make us all much closer and all of that bullshit, it also makes us very vulnerable. And being vulnerable is perhaps the worst thing to be because it is ultimately scary and uncomfortable--not at all the image I attempt to present.

So I don't. And won't.

But at the very least, I hope it's been a humorous read from time to time. I try not to get too preachy that often, but I've really had very little to say lately. Whether I'll ever get to 200 is truly unknown at the present time. Some days I really need this in order to clear my head. Other times it's a fucking chore. Sometimes it's funny, sometimes it's not. For the moment though, I think I'll be taking a break from all of this for a while. Perhaps I will pick this up again in a week or two, or perhaps I won't. I will likely comment from time to time on others' blogs, though, so I can at least stay in the mix to a certain degree. Thanks to everyone for their interest and comments. It has been much appreciated.