I have come to a conclusion

As of this very minute, I may well be the most relaxed person on the face of the earth. No, I am not drunk or high. But it's been a good day. Really good. And I really believe that the fact I never stepped foot on campus played a huge role. But today has been a rather bizarre day in that I did not expect things to go the way they did.

For starters, I was speaking with my mom this morning (I always stay there on Tues. nights), when I checked my phone to find that I had 17 missed calls, all of which came from my neighbor's cell phone. It was about 8:15 in the morning, and I was about to head towards C-town. After seeing the exorbitant amount of calls made, I naturally assumed that something was wrong, so I hesitated briefly before calling the number back. Luckily, the phone began ringing immediately and I answered the phone, surprised that it was my wife and not my neighbor on the other end of the line. And then she tells me that she's locked herself out of the house. How in the hell did you do that? I asked.

Here's the scoop. I will warn you that, due to my relative lack of angst, I don't feel very funny or anything tonight. So prepare for the disappointment. Or just quit reading. I would.

Anyway, my mother works at a home decor shop. One of the "benefits"?? of this job is that my house has consequently become full of floral arrangements and whatnot. Along with a plethora of inside decor, my mother has also given me three different wreaths for my front door--for winter, it's the snowmen and holly, for fall, it's the pumpkin and autumn leaves, for spring, it's various spring flowers. And keep in mind that none of these things are cheap. For Christmas, I got a $400 picture, and the various table settings and miscellaneous items generally retail in the hundred to hundreds of dollar range. So to a certain degree, I get a lot of really fancy decor at little to no cost to myself. Which I really fucking dig. But anyway . . .

Now that spring is quickly approaching (or is it here?) the spring wreath has found its way to the front door. Unfortunately, it seems that a bird has decided to do some minor remodeling to our wreath, adding a cute little nest with 4 little eggs. [I have pics to post, but blogger is being a bitch right now] Awwwww, ain't that cute. Our neighbor's wife called earlier and asked us to not hurt the bird/eggs. Never mind the fact that everytime we open the door, we are immediately greeted by the sound of flapping wings and birdshit on my front porch. Good fucking times. My wife was concerned that the mother bird laid the eggs and bolted--to which I responded that birds, like many humans, are too fucking stupid to realize that's even a possibility. So tonight, the birds sitting out there in its nest, preening its feathers and defecating. Fucking (shit)bird.

But back to the story:
My wife became aware of this bird last night, so today she was walking outside with my daughter to look at it. My daughter, who generally leaves the front door standing wide open as she runs to catch the school bus, decided to shut the door for once, locking them both out of the house. My daughter later catches the bus, but my wife winds up sitting at the neighbor's house until they leave for work. Then she sits in our backyard until I show up to save the day.
I'm quite sure that many of you are thinking: "Don't you guys have a spare key hidden somewhere?"
The answer is yes. Or was yes as of last week. It was carefully hidden under the doormat by the back door (please don't tell anyone about our hiding spot), but after most of the Jesi (there were one or two that abstained) contemplated whether or not to flood North Texas, my old lady decided it needed to be moved inside. Why? I don't know. It must have something to do with menstrual cycles and Oprah as far as I can tell. So when key=inside and wife=outside, then Jeremy=beaten down. I threw that in for the math people. High-five.

So instead of going to work, I drive home and let my wife in the house. Then, like any good English student will do, I went to Half-Price Books with my brother. Things I bought:

• The Professor's House by Willa Cather: required reading for Asswhip 521 for next week.
• The Golden Compass by Philip Pullman: book I've been searching for; finally found a nearly mint hardcover edition
• How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie: my brother swears this is a great book, so I figured what the hell. So be prepared for an even friendlier and more influential me. You have been warned.
• Naked by David Sedaris: highly recommended by Little E. Despite my claims that E doesn't read anything worth reading, after seeing a bit of his work on her blog the other day, I was highly intrigued. It also made me reevaluate E's reading tastes. I hereby officially apologize. Unless of course, I read it and it sucks. Then everything will return to its normal state of overall disdain and condescension.

Must go watch LOST now. Maybe more later, but I doubt it.