Ode to curling

Also, it appears that sexuality has always been a key player in this arctic sport. Nice brooms, too.



A quick discussion of curling in Ten Reasons Curling is Great . . .

1. Curling has beer. It is a wonderful blend of competition and refrigeration, the one Olympic sport where you can drink a beer and still win a medal (make a note of that, Bode). I went to the Plainfield (N.J.) Curling Club to learn the game, and they have a beer tap in their bar with the keg sitting IN THE RINK.

2. Curling has calendars. Specifically, the "Women of Curling Calendar." The photographer, in an interview with a Canadian TV station, said that "some of the girls showed a little bit more -- because they wanted to. But it is very, very tasteful." We can only assume the brooms are strategically placed.

3. Curling has love. One Canadian writer said curling is the ultimate hookup sport up North. "You have booze, and it's mixed with boys and girls," he said. "One friend of mine had a good-looking girlfriend. I told him not to bring her." But the guy did, and a few bonspiels later, he was single.

4. Curling is really hard. Bill Peskoff, president of the Plainfield club, gave us a 15-minute lesson. The goal is to "deliver the rock" down the 146-foot sheet into the "house," the large rings at the other end. The team that places one of its four rocks closest to the "button" gets a point.

Next time you're at the airport, step onto the moving sidewalk with only one foot. This is what it sort of feels like, only you're standing on ice, and one foot is covered with a super-slick piece of plastic, and you're trying to release the one thing keeping you from eating an ice sandwich.

"Very good," Peskoff told me after my first try.

"Maybe next time, I should let go?"

"Probably."

5. Curling has Bemidji. Most of the U.S. competitors are from the same small town in Minnesota, where Paul Bunyan is supposedly from. This puts the lie to Dave Barry's assertion that "Curling is popular mainly in the Curling Belt, which stretches all the way from Wisconsin to another part of Wisconsin."

6. Curling has old guys. Poor Michelle Kwan is washed up at 25. But Scott Baird? He is the oldest Olympian in modern history, at 54 years and 282 days, beating out James Coates, who competed in the skeleton for Britain in the 1948 Winter Games, at age 53 and 328 days. "I guess it takes quite a few years to make it into your game in curling," said Baird, who is an insurance agent in -- where else? Bemidji.

7. Curling has Markku Uusipaavalniemi. He is the skipper of the Finnish team at the Olympics. He leads the Olympics in vowels and total letters. For the record, his name is pronounced "MAR-koo."

8. Curling has rocks. And they are cool. They are 42 pounds of Scottish granite, cool to the touch and a load to lift. Back in the old days -- like, the 1500s in Scotland -- the rocks weren't the same size or shape. And yes, the new ones really curl -- up to four feet, in fact.

9. Curling is exercise. While one player delivers, two others "sweep" -- a furious motion that helps create friction on the ice, which creates waters and, hence, helps move the rock "up to 10 percent further," Peskoff said. This is some serious physical activity -- my back ached and I was out of breath after just a few tries. And curling matches last up to three hours.

10. Curling has beer. Did we mention the beer? I played with Peskoff's team for an hour and we never scored a point. But, when they mercifully subbed in a veteran curler, I returned to the bench to find something very special. That Labatt's Blue I opened before we started playing? It was still ice cold.